Carry On

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Etch

Etch what?

...That's not how these work

Oh! Right. Etch Who?

Bless you.

Madness

Madness

Or rather, half-madness. It could be. 

I'm not sure quite what to think, or see.

It's been so long.

A year ago was the beginning, then half later, the bitter end of our song.

Half again, I hear your voice, an echo from behind a locked door.

Carrie? Don't call me that anymore.

Anger has been building up I've been trying to quell.
It's an acid, burning my hope, happiness, and peace. I'm helpless to it's spell.

Or am I? I'm looking for someone new. I might have found someone.
After all this time I might have a first chance again, I'm finally done.

Why would you do this to me? Come back to turn my vision to black and red?
Don't try to bring back our love, it's lone been dead.

But then again there's always the memory of the pure joy I felt we shared.
It's an underlying temptation, conflicting with my anger, and I'm feeling scared.

What does this madness?


This song says everything else I couldn't say above.

This Is The Last Time

That I will mention Alex, I suppose. I hope not.

He fist told me he loved me on Friday, November 18th, three days after we were officially dating. Honestly, that freaked me out. I had been carefully saving those words, only to be said when I was 100% sure that I was in love. I never said it to past boyfriends, or let myself think it about anyone. I saved it. At this point, I was sure I had feelings for Alex, but not sure what love was. I did not reply to those three words uttered quietly on my front porch after our second kiss.

I remembered that, and wondered if he meant it. Months went by, I decided I really did love him, but I also thought he didn't really love me. Yes, I knew. I knew those first words couldn't have been the real thing, because it was so soon, so hasty! It was just the passion of the moment. And I accepted that, and kept my love to myself. There were times where I wanted to confess, but the words stuck in my throat, and refused to get out; which I was always grateful for later, as I wasn't ready, and didn't know if he was ready.

Then one day about, a month ago, I found out he had asked my parents for my hand. I returned to my room shaking, fumbling for my phone to call Alex to find out if this was true. Which I knew it was.

He must love me if he wants to marry me. That's what I thought. Although maybe he was jumping ahead of himself since we hadn't even said anything close to "I love you" since that night in November. When he showed up on my porch that night, I told him I loved him, but that I was not ready to get married yet. He told me he loved me too, for the first time since November. I felt good. More than good. I really was in love.

In the back of my mind, I knew he was hesitating before he said "I love you too", but I didn't want it to be true. It couldn't. I was imagining a life with him, wondering how I had been so lucky to find someone so easily. Really, finding him was easy, and so was falling in love with him. He made it that way.

The little things were really what charmed me; the letters, notes, random texts and calls. I am just realizing that I still have his voicemails saved. I should go back and erase them, but I don't have it in me to hear his voice from when he cared for me.

He told me that I could get almost any guy I wanted, but he doesn't know everything I worked for with past guys, and the disappointments there. Being with him felt so right, like it was meant to be that we were both early to class that fateful Thursday he asked me to walk to the temple, thus acquiring the nickname "Temple Boy" from my friends.

Last Sunday, he asked if we could talk. Yes, my heart dropped when he said that, but what was I to do? Refuse to talk? I didn't know what was going to happen, but I tried to put on a brave face. My family seemed to know it was coming when I told them he was coming to talk. They didn't blink when I refused to eat dinner, knowing he was coming over.

I remember the first thing he said to me was "you look nice", and then after we hugged, I asked him what was up, wanting to get it over with. He said we should date other people. He was so sure, and I was anything but. He basically said he couldn't pretend to love me, and it wasn't fair to do that to me. After all this time, he didn't love me? I don't believe love can be boiled down and condensed into one yes or no question though. Love is not a yes or no, it is a concept. Love is an action, and a thought, from the soul.

I remember the first time I thought I might love him. I didn't really then, but I also didn't fully understand love. It came gradually, as we dated longer. There was no "ah-ha" moment, but rather a realization that he mattered more to me than anything. I understood that being in love doesn't mean you're perfect, or always put the other person first, but it does mean safety, acceptance, sacrifice, and sweetness. At least that is a little bit about what I have learned so far.

But now it is over.

And I cried. A lot. And he held me, for the last time, comforting me from the same pain he gave me. I still never wanted him to let me go, through it all.

There was one thing that sobered me: his tears. I have never seen a guy cry. It may seem odd, but really, they hide it well. However, as he held me, and I cried, something, I'm not sure what, must have triggered his tears too, and we both cried. It made me stop though, because I can handle me crying, but his sadness is worse than my own. Suddenly, I didn't matter; he did, and I had to make him happy again. I told him everything was OK and that I would be fine (though not true .... but I wasn't thinking about me).

But really, after all that, I am still confused. He says he still loves me, but how can he? That is the whole reason we broke up. He says he will give me the book of why he still likes me, when he doesn't anymore. How can he finish it? Why on earth would he want to? Why do I want to receive it when I know I won't be able to bear to read it? Just like deleting his voicemails...

Why does he feel peace after throwing away everything we built after almost five-and-a-half months?

I do not feel peace, but rather a void, where a best friend was ripped away.

My head rests on his chest perfectly, and my arms belong around his neck, feeling his breath on my ear; but it can't be, and there is nothing I can do about it.

He promised to take me out to the Great Salt Lake, for one last adventure. Does that make it one last date? One last first date? Or does he mean for us to go as friends? Just like the voicemails, and the book, I don't know how I'll handle it, but I can't not go. My Fridays, which I told my boss I needed off to see my boyfriend, look forever empty, even if I do go on dates.

I don't want to date other people. Everyone else I see doesn't fit me right, not like him. I can't feel comfortable, and accepted, like I did with him, the first instant we spoke.

Alex told me to tell him about my next date. And that he'll be jealous of the girl he doesn't care for, somehow. I don't understand. I do not want to know about the next girl he asks out, and how she is so much better than me, prettier, smarter, more interesting, and more captivating. It would crush me, when there is nothing left.

Now I have to end this post, because I could probably write forever. But I will close with two songs. The first one is how I think of Alex, and the other one is how I still feel, through all of this.

I really would take him back, but if he needs some time, it is worth it to me to wait.

And I still love him.

Snow and Getting Iver Small Annoyances

Well Utah has once again decided that it is winter. For the past month it thought it was spring! And now... snow. Now I love snow, normally, but I guess I've just had it now. Winter teased us all these months, never giving us a real snow, just frigged cold, even on Christmas. Now I feel like telling the season "YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE AND BLEW IT. It's time for spring now. Move along already!". And there's my small rant on snow.

Yesterday, I was incredibly annoyed for a very small reason, and writing it down makes me feel better somehow. I had two burritos. I offer one to my sister. He only response is "GO AWAY". Fine. I see how it is. I will eat this other burrito tomorrow for dinner after school. When I come home, tired, hungry, there is no burrito! My sister had given it to my step-dad. I know. My life is so hard. For some reason (possibly lack of food, 5 hours of sleep, and 8 hours at school) that made me fuming mad. I spend the evening internally seething, yet it is so silly now! But that burrito was really good. Time is sometimes what you need to cure yourself of these strange fits of the natural [wo]man. I can get another burrito another time! Big deal. Although, I know one little sister who could be a little more friendly when someone is trying to be nice to them though! And a big sister too.

Being Sick and How To Tell If You Have the Best Boyfriend. And Other Things.

I haven't been sick in at least 10 months. Not really. That's the thing with me! I don't get sick often, but the downside is that when I do get sick, I get it bad. None of those "I-have-a-little-cold-but-I-can-still-function-normally" things. Yes I DO have a cold but, it's the not-so-great kind that keeps you lethargic and panting, for lack of a nose to breathe through.

Of course life doesn't stop anymore when one is sick. I still had to go into work yesterday; my boss had no pity...... (But why should he? C'est la vie!). However I was a little skeptical about me being around food. I washed my hands so many times, they are now dried out and dying for lotion. Luckily it was a short shift, only three hours, and my boss said he would cut me early if we were slow. After an hour and a half of my shift, and having only seen a handful of customers, it was clear that I wasn't need as direly as my boss made it seem. I tentatively asked him if he would let me go, but he wanted to keep me to finish up the menial tasks that were left to do. After a couple more jobs, he reluctantly let me go, an hour early. By this time, I was ready to lie down on the floor. My whole body ached, and I was feeling dizzy and nauseous; basically the peak of my cold. I had a fever, probably from the effort of work and trying to smile and help people without them knowing that I was miserable on the inside.

When I did get off my shift thought, I looked at my phone to discover that Alex called me. And left a message! I figured it had to be important, so I called back without listening to the message. Once I reached his voice mail, I started to wonder if he had pocket-dialed me, as he frequently does. Listing to the message he left me confirmed that. However this wild phone-goose chase was good in the end, as he called me to see what I had called him about, and we got to talk for a few minutes. :)

The rest of the day was spent relaxing, and trying to stave off the boredom. Texting my boyfriend was my chosen method of boredom relief, while lying on the couch, but he wasn't very talkative. This, honestly, slightly annoyed me. Here I am sick, and he can't at least TRY to talk to me, knowing I'm bored and miserable. So I ended up drifting between sleep and being awake for a while until I heard a knock on the door. There he is, with a paper bag, and a chess set, here to alleviate my boredom, and make me feel better with a hug. My first reaction,

"Alex! Ah! You! Oh no! You're not supposed to see me like this!!!" *hides behind door frame* (hair disheveled, make-up barely there, sweat pants with dog hair on them, a hoodie, and an old t-shirt. Wonderful, I'm a slob)

After I accepted that he had already seen me, I let him inside, where he gave me a big hug, and then preceded to hand me the paper bag. In the paper bag were the following items:

A cup 'o noodles

Haha he knows me well. Basically my favorite food.

Cough-drops

Blueberry flavored! My favorite! Aaaah. Glorious.

Two small tissue packs

Saved my life at school today. Thank you Alex.

A Starwars toy from McDonald's

It's a long story, but I love it!

A pint of chocolate ice cream

No words for this one. He is amazing.

Then we finished watching "The Chamber of Secrets". Being sick has never been that much fun! It was so wonderful to be surprised like that. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. He hugged me, even though I'm sick. Also, winning comment of the night:

I was insisting that he forget he ever saw me like this, when he said

"When I said you were beautiful, I was talking about you. Not your makeup."

Best boyfriend I could ask for? I think so. *sigh*

Secret Names

Call me lazy, but it's too hard to refer to my friends with secret names when I post things. The world is going to deal with their real first names, because coming up with a unique, not-dumb-sounding nickname without some inside joke is way too hard. And I have to check myself every time I mention someone. I will keep my own name secret, but from now on, Temple Boy is really Alex.

Rant over. I initially started this post to write about the happenings of today, but I'm afraid that I am probably just going to go to sleep before I can make any more of a fool out of myself with a half-asleep post. Goodnight world! Post tomorrow. Goodnight me!