A year ago was the beginning, then half later, the bitter end of our song.
Half again, I hear your voice, an echo from behind a locked door.
Carrie? Don't call me that anymore. Anger has been building up I've been trying to quell. It's an acid, burning my hope, happiness, and peace. I'm helpless to it's spell. Or am I? I'm looking for someone new. I might have found someone. After all this time I might have a first chance again, I'm finally done. Why would you do this to me? Come back to turn my vision to black and red? Don't try to bring back our love, it's lone been dead. But then again there's always the memory of the pure joy I felt we shared. It's an underlying temptation, conflicting with my anger, and I'm feeling scared. What does this madness? This song says everything else I couldn't say above.
He
fist told me he loved me on Friday, November 18th, three days after we
were officially dating. Honestly, that freaked me out. I had been carefully
saving those words, only to be said when I was 100% sure that I was in love. I
never said it to past boyfriends, or let myself think it about anyone. I saved it.
At this point, I was sure I had feelings for Alex, but not sure what love was.
I did not reply to those three words uttered quietly on my front porch after
our second kiss.
I remembered that, and wondered if he
meant it. Months went by, I decided I really did love him, but I also thought
he didn't really love me. Yes, I knew. I knew those first words couldn't have
been the real thing, because it was so soon, so hasty! It was just the passion
of the moment. And I accepted that, and kept my love to myself. There were
times where I wanted to confess, but the words stuck in my throat, and refused
to get out; which I was always grateful for later, as I wasn't ready, and
didn't know if he was ready.
Then one day about, a month ago, I
found out he had asked my parents for my hand. I returned to my room
shaking, fumbling for my phone to call Alex to find out if this was true. Which
I knew it was.
Hemust love
me if he wants to marry me. That's what I thought. Although maybe he was
jumping ahead of himself since we hadn't even said anything close to "I
love you" since that night in November. When he showed up on my porch
that night, I told him I loved him, but that I was not ready to get married
yet. He told me he loved me too, for the first time since November. I felt
good. More than good. I really was in love.
In the back of my mind, I knew he was
hesitating before he said "I love you too", but I didn't want it to
be true. It couldn't. I was imagining a life with him, wondering how I had been
so lucky to find someone so easily. Really, finding him was easy, and so was
falling in love with him. He made it that way.
The little things were really what
charmed me; the letters, notes, random texts and calls. I am just realizing
that I still have his voicemails saved. I should go back and erase them, but I
don't have it in me to hear his voice from when he cared for me.
He told me that I could get almost any
guy I wanted, but he doesn't know everything I worked for with past guys, and
the disappointments there. Being with him felt so right, like it was
meant to be that we were both early to class that fateful Thursday he
asked me to walk to the temple, thus acquiring the nickname
"Temple Boy" from my friends.
Last Sunday, he asked if we could talk.
Yes, my heart dropped when he said that, but what was I to do? Refuse to talk?
I didn't know what was going to happen, but I tried to put on a brave face. My
family seemed to know it was coming when I told them he was coming to talk.
They didn't blink when I refused to eat dinner, knowing he was coming over.
I remember the first thing he said to
me was "you look nice", and then after we hugged, I asked him what
was up, wanting to get it over with. He said we should date other people. He
was so sure, and I was anything but. He basically said he couldn't pretend to
love me, and it wasn't fair to do that to me. After all this time, he didn't
love me? I don't believe love can be boiled down and condensed into one yes or
no question though. Love is not a yes or no, it is a concept. Love is an
action, and a thought, from the soul.
I remember the first time I thought I
might love him. I didn't really then, but I also didn't fully understand love.
It came gradually, as we dated longer. There was no "ah-ha" moment,
but rather a realization that he mattered more to me than anything. I
understood that being in love doesn't mean you're perfect, or always put the
other person first, but it does mean safety, acceptance, sacrifice, and
sweetness. At least that is a little bit about what I have learned so far.
But now it is over.
And I cried. A lot. And he held me, for
the last time, comforting me from the same pain he gave me. I still never
wanted him to let me go, through it all.
There was one thing that sobered me:
his tears. I have never seen a guy cry. It may seem odd, but really, they hide
it well. However, as he held me, and I cried, something, I'm not sure what,
must have triggered his tears too, and we both cried. It made me stop though,
because I can handle me crying, but his sadness is worse than my own.
Suddenly, I didn't matter; he did, and I had to make him happy again. I told
him everything was OK and that I would be fine (though not true ....
but I wasn't thinking about me).
But really, after all that, I am still
confused. He says he still loves me, but how can he? That is the whole reason
we broke up. He says he will give me the book of why he still likes me, when he
doesn't anymore. How can he finish it? Why on earth would he want to? Why do I
want to receive it when I know I won't be able to bear to read it?
Just like deleting his voicemails...
Why does he feel peace after throwing
away everything we built after almost five-and-a-half months?
I do not feel peace, but rather a void,
where a best friend was ripped away.
My head rests on his chest perfectly,
and my arms belong around his neck, feeling his breath on my ear; but
it can't be, and there is nothing I can do about it.
He promised to take me out to the Great
Salt Lake, for one last adventure. Does that make it one last date? One last
first date? Or does he mean for us to go as friends? Just like the voicemails,
and the book, I don't know how I'll handle it, but I can't not go.
My Fridays, which I told my boss I needed off to see my boyfriend, look
forever empty, even if I do go on dates.
I don't want to date other people. Everyone else I
see doesn't fit me right, not like him. I can't feel comfortable,
and accepted, like I did with him, the first instant we spoke.
Alex told
me to tell him about my next date. And that he'll be jealous of the girl he
doesn't care for, somehow. I don't understand. I do not want to know about the
next girl he asks out, and how she is so much better than me, prettier,
smarter, more interesting, and more captivating. It would crush me, when there
is nothing left.
Now I have to end this post, because I
could probably write forever. But I will close with two songs. The first one is
how I think of Alex, and the other one is how I still feel, through all of
this.
I really would take him back, but if he needs some time, it is worth it to me to wait.
Well Utah has once again decided that it is winter. For the past month it thought it was spring! And now... snow. Now I love snow, normally, but I guess I've just had it now. Winter teased us all these months, never giving us a real snow, just frigged cold, even on Christmas. Now I feel like telling the season "YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE AND BLEW IT. It's time for spring now. Move along already!". And there's my small rant on snow.
Yesterday, I was incredibly annoyed for a very small reason, and writing it down makes me feel better somehow. I had two burritos. I offer one to my sister. He only response is "GO AWAY". Fine. I see how it is. I will eat this other burrito tomorrow for dinner after school. When I come home, tired, hungry, there is no burrito! My sister had given it to my step-dad. I know. My life is so hard. For some reason (possibly lack of food, 5 hours of sleep, and 8 hours at school) that made me fuming mad. I spend the evening internally seething, yet it is so silly now! But that burrito was really good. Time is sometimes what you need to cure yourself of these strange fits of the natural [wo]man. I can get another burrito another time! Big deal. Although, I know one little sister who could be a little more friendly when someone is trying to be nice to them though! And a big sister too.
I haven't been sick in at least
10 months. Not really. That's the thing with me! I don't get sick often, but
the downside is that when I do get sick, I get it bad. None of those
"I-have-a-little-cold-but-I-can-still-function-normally" things. Yes
I DO have a cold but, it's the not-so-great kind that keeps you lethargic and
panting, for lack of a nose to breathe through.
Of course life doesn't stop anymore when one is sick. I still had
to go into work yesterday; my boss had no pity...... (But why should he? C'est
la vie!). However I was a little skeptical about me being around food. I washed
my hands so many times, they are now dried out and dying for lotion. Luckily it
was a short shift, only three hours, and my boss said he would cut me early if
we were slow. After an hour and a half of my shift, and having only seen a
handful of customers, it was clear that I wasn't need as direly as my boss made
it seem. I tentatively asked him if he would let me go, but he wanted to keep
me to finish up the menial tasks that were left to do. After a couple more
jobs, he reluctantly let me go, an hour early. By this time, I was ready to lie
down on the floor. My whole body ached, and I was feeling dizzy
and nauseous; basically the peak of my cold. I had a fever, probably from
the effort of work and trying to smile and help people without them knowing
that I was miserable on the inside.
When I did get off my shift thought, I looked at my phone to
discover that Alex called me. And left a message! I figured it had to be
important, so I called back without listening to the message. Once I reached
his voice mail, I started to wonder if he had pocket-dialed me, as he
frequently does. Listing to the message he left me confirmed that. However this
wild phone-goose chase was good in the end, as he called me to see what I had
called him about, and we got to talk for a few minutes. :)
The rest of the day was spent relaxing, and trying to stave off
the boredom. Texting my boyfriend was my chosen method of boredom relief, while
lying on the couch, but he wasn't very talkative. This, honestly, slightly
annoyed me. Here I am sick, and he can't at least TRY to talk to me, knowing
I'm bored and miserable. So I ended up drifting between sleep and being awake
for a while until I heard a knock on the door. There he is, with a paper bag,
and a chess set, here to alleviate my boredom, and make me feel better with
a hug. My first reaction,
"Alex! Ah! You! Oh no! You're not supposed to see me like
this!!!" *hides behind door frame* (hair disheveled, make-up
barely there, sweat pants with dog hair on them, a hoodie, and an old t-shirt.
Wonderful, I'm a slob)
After I accepted that he had already seen me, I let him inside,
where he gave me a big hug, and then preceded to hand me the paper bag. In the
paper bag were the following items:
A cup 'o noodles
Haha he
knows me well. Basically my favorite food.
Cough-drops
Blueberry flavored!
My favorite! Aaaah. Glorious.
Two small tissue packs
Saved my
life at school today. Thank you Alex.
A Starwars toy
from McDonald's
It's a
long story, but I love it!
A pint of chocolate ice cream
No words
for this one. He is amazing.
Then we finished watching "The Chamber of Secrets".
Being sick has never been that much fun! It was so wonderful to
be surprised like that. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. He
hugged me, even though I'm sick. Also, winning comment of the night:
I was insisting that he forget he ever saw me like this, when he
said
"When I said you were beautiful, I was talking aboutyou. Not your makeup."
Best boyfriend I could ask for? I think so. *sigh*
Call me lazy, but it's too hard
to refer to my friends with secret names when I post things. The world is going
to deal with their real first names, because coming up with a unique,
not-dumb-sounding nickname without some inside joke is way too hard. And I have
to check myself every time I mention someone. I will keep my own name
secret, but from now on, Temple Boy is really Alex.
Rant over. I initially started this post to write about the
happenings of today, but I'm afraid that I am probably just going to go to
sleep before I can make any more of a fool out of myself with a half-asleep
post. Goodnight world! Post tomorrow. Goodnight me!
This was the first time I had an
actual Valentine! I had been looking forward to this day for at least a month,
knowing that I'd have a boyfriend. Temple boy came over to my house and we made
dinner together. Or rather, I made dinner and Temple Boy stirred a pot.....haha
which is fine! We had chicken-provolone ravioli, mushroom marinara, corn
and peas (his favorite) and ice water. Notincredibly fancy,
but it was very nice, and the ravioli was amazing! I had dressed up, just
because this is a day where I get to pretend like I’m a princess with
a handsome prince :) Temple boy didn't dress up, but that was also fine. He
wore my favorite hoodie :) after dinner and desert (chocolate cake, you can't
have valentine's day without chocolate).
Also, I made Temple Boy a secret
message card, that was way to cheesy, plus I was a little bit loopy from lack
of sleep when I wrote it. But they say those are your most creative times! Who knows?
He seemed to like it, which makes me so very happy.
After dinner, we watched Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.
Now this may see silly for two adults to do, but I have always been an avid
Harry Potter fan (I'll admit it) and recently Temple Boy has been reading the
books for basically the first time. And we've been watching (ortrying to, more accurately) the
movies as he reads the books. I held his hand, which was nice since I jump at
the slightest scary part....yes even in Harry Potter. We made it all the way to
the dueling club before he had to leave.
Saying goodbye is getting so much harder! But I've resolved to be
better at it, since he has a long drive home, and gets up by 6:00am everyday...
(Almost a 45 min drive! I can't believe he does that to see me. I wish I could
repay him somehow... if I had a car!)
He made me the sweetest card. It's actually a poem/story, bound
with red yarn. It's really cure because he dotted all the "i"s with
red hearts. Since I'm a lover of cheesy romantic things, this card was perfect
:) especially the end, where he said I was the best valentine's present.
Awwwww. He's a sweetheart. And he really means it.
I made my closest friends some valentine cards (in addition to the
card I made for my boyfriend), Lord of the Rings themed (we are all nerds! The
Gandalf ones said "A Valentine's Day card is never late, nor is it early.
It arrives precisely when it means to." The Frodo card says "Sauron's
going to be after me, because he knows I've found the ONE." The Pippin
card says "I may be a food, but I'm a fool who loves you." the Sauron
card says "ONE CARD TO RULE THEM ALL." and the Gollum card says
"Will you be my preciousssssss?" of course.
I have yet to deliver some of these cards, but they will be given
out!!
All in all, it was the best Valentine's Day I've ever had. I am
amazingly lucky for the friends I have who love me :) And family too!!
....or it gets too hard and I have too much to write!
The movie was awesome! I loved seeing it with my friends and Temple Boy. One of my friends had never seen Starwars until now, exciting!
Going down to Provo late at night was quite an adventure. We got lost, and didn't arrive until 1:00am. What a night! The next day we found a pretty decent apartment, for a poor college student, within walking distance of the campus! This is exciting! But I won't be moving in till fall. If I get accepted. Cross your fingers!
Monday morning I had voice lessons. My teacher said it was the best I've ever sung for her when I sang "Once You Lose Your Heart" from Me and My Girl. I felt very good about singing it, like I was really connected with the song on a deeper level. I guess practicing in front of a mirror really does help!
Time to start thinking about what I am going to audition for a vocal summer camp with. Here is the summer camp: http://www.remixvocalacademy.com/. It's sure to be awesome! It's being run by former BYU Vocal Point Members.
Here is a little about my boyfriend. He's so sweet, and I can't believe I'm lucky enough to have him, truly. He has dark brown hair, olive skin, glasses, and eyes the color of the wood on my piano--a dark brown ring around a lighter, red-brown in the middle. I am 5'2", and I barely make it up to his shoulder height wise. He is athletic, and such a sweetheart.
We met at the BYU Salt Lake Center; we had two classes together. However, when school started I wasn't really looking for a boyfriend, it was quite the opposite. I was focusing on school, not on making new friends.
I....kind of didn't notice him........which I feel horrible about! I will probably never forgive myself for almost passing up a guy like him.
But I didn't notice anyone! I went on a few dates with another guy, but I wasn't interested. Then one day, my friend gave me some advice to let go of the things that were holding me back from making new friend and meeting new people. Suddenly I was paying attention and when he first talked to me, I was charmed. Here's how it happened.
We both got to our Book of Mormon class a little early (which is quite a feat for him, let me tell you), so he said "Hi! Your name is Strawberryblonde, right?” So we start small talk. I asked him what he did over the weekend. He said he did homework and read (nerdy, but hey! I am a fellow nerd, and have spent many a weekend in the company of books and such) which piqued my interest.
"What did you read? Was it for school? Or for fun reading?" Here he paused, a sheepish look on his face, almost like he didn't want to tell me, but I waited.
"Um, well, I was reading Lord of the Rings."
*GASP* "I love Lord of the Rings!!"
..."Wait, really?"
"Yes!"
Basically he had me at Lord of the Rings, as you can see. Not long after that though, the teacher walked in, as well as other students, and class started, stopping our conversation. After class, he invited me to walk around the Salt Lake Temple with him. I agreed, and this first date (? still confused as to if it was a date or not. exactly.) earned him the nickname "Temple Boy" by some of my friends, and I will refer to him as such in this blog.
Things seemed to go fast, and I dropped him plenty of hints that he should ask me out. This worked better than I expected!
After four wonderful official dates I decided that I wanted to kick the relationship up to official as well. So after math class, I asked him "So, what are we?” kind of forcing him to make the choice then and there. At first he was taken aback, and he laughed. Then he crossed his fingers for luck, and said, "Well, I washopingyou would be my girlfriend."
"Well,I was hoping you would be my boyfriend."
Then, I honestly don't remember what he said next. I just hugged him, and skipped off to class, so happy; being late to class never felt so good.
Now we've been together since November 15th, making it 2.14 months so far (but who's counting?)
Every time I see his face, hear his voice over the phone, or see his picture pop up when I get a new text message from him, I can't help but smile and feel grateful that there's someone out there who cares about me, and wants to know if I'm happy.
Best moments--
When he is doing something, like unlocking the door for me, I put my head on his
shoulder and he stops whatever he is doing just to hug me :)
When he takes my hand in both of his.
When he touches my hair.
When he tells me that something I've said has helped him.
When he helps me to be a better person, and inspires me with quotes, or
Scriptures.
When he listens to my troubles, and tries to fix my hurts.
He is the best boyfriend, and I hope he knows how much I really and truly care about him. He's always there when I need him, to laugh at a joke, or to talk about everything under the sun. I am so lucky :)
A little intro and some things you should know about me:
I am a happy
person. I rarely let myself fret or dwell on pain. I smile through life's ups
and downs, awkward moments and good times. I listen to music or sing
constantly, and I have many friends of all different backgrounds.
I am a piano
teacher, and have been teaching for a little more than three years. I love it!
There's something so special about connecting with a person over
three years with a piano that makes my heart warm. I love how I've come to know
my student's strengths and weaknesses; I can tailor their lessons and the music
I pick for them to specifically target rough spots or to show off their skill.
Music is a way to bond with someone in a deep meaningful way without the worry
of saying the wrong thing, or feeling self-conscious; at least that is how I
feel about music.
I have been
playing the piano since I was 8 years old, and now I'm 19. I remember hating it
in the beginning; my first teacher was not very connected to the music. She did
not have a driving love for music to pass on to me. My second teacher helped me
realize the subtleties of music that make it what it is. Now I
dedicate my life to it as I sing, play, teach, and study music in college. I am
currently at my second semester at the BYU Salt Lake center, hoping to transfer
down to the Provo campus to officially start on my major, music
education. I want to keep teaching piano privately, and hopefully pick up more
students when I get the time.
As a person, I am
a little bit of everything. I am a definite nerd, as well as a girly-girl
who loves shopping, and getting dressed up. Science, especially physics, piques
my interest, while math makes my head spin. I'd love to study physics further
in college if it weren't for the math side of it. There's a thought sitting in
the back of my mind wondering if I could just push through the math to get to
the fun part of physics. We'll see...
In my free time, I
like to hang out with friends, or my boyfriend. I play the piano, read, listen
to music, write, play games, or relax.
In my non-free
time, I work. I love my job! I work at a deli/market dealing in specialty meats
and cheeses (and more). This may sound odd, or a menial job, but
there is nothing like it! I love learning about new products, and some of the
highest quality ingredients in the country. Well, speaking of work, I've got to
leave right now to start my shift. More about my work later!
Well this post won't be long, as
it is late, but I wanted to post something small to get started.
The blogosphere is a place dominated stay-at-home-moms trying to one-up
each other with cute photos of their kids, and recipes handed down by
great aunt marge and by angsty teens lamenting that their boyfriend broke up
with them after one week. I am neither of those, as I am not married, nor a
teen. So why insert myself into this blogosphere, where no one will ever blink
an eye at another blog? Here's my reason for this blog: as this blog
is anonymous, it will serve as a kind of journal for me. I'll be free to
say anything. This may seem kind of obvious but journals are amazing things.
Looking at my journals, handwritten and electronic, I see a lot of memories that
would be otherwise forgotten if not recorded. This blog is a place where I can
write my memories, good and bad, for later reflection. It's my own personal
history, starting now. I don't know how often I'll post, but I do know that
when I do, it will mean something to me. No matter how trivial my post, or
silly the memory, it will be important that I will want to remember it forever.
My hope is that someday I can even show this journal to my kids so they will
learn about these days, times, and what I went through.
