He
fist told me he loved me on Friday, November 18th, three days after we
were officially dating. Honestly, that freaked me out. I had been carefully
saving those words, only to be said when I was 100% sure that I was in love. I
never said it to past boyfriends, or let myself think it about anyone. I saved it.
At this point, I was sure I had feelings for Alex, but not sure what love was.
I did not reply to those three words uttered quietly on my front porch after
our second kiss.
I remembered that, and wondered if he
meant it. Months went by, I decided I really did love him, but I also thought
he didn't really love me. Yes, I knew. I knew those first words couldn't have
been the real thing, because it was so soon, so hasty! It was just the passion
of the moment. And I accepted that, and kept my love to myself. There were
times where I wanted to confess, but the words stuck in my throat, and refused
to get out; which I was always grateful for later, as I wasn't ready, and
didn't know if he was ready.
Then one day about, a month ago, I
found out he had asked my parents for my hand. I returned to my room
shaking, fumbling for my phone to call Alex to find out if this was true. Which
I knew it was.
He must love
me if he wants to marry me. That's what I thought. Although maybe he was
jumping ahead of himself since we hadn't even said anything close to "I
love you" since that night in November. When he showed up on my porch
that night, I told him I loved him, but that I was not ready to get married
yet. He told me he loved me too, for the first time since November. I felt
good. More than good. I really was in love.
In the back of my mind, I knew he was
hesitating before he said "I love you too", but I didn't want it to
be true. It couldn't. I was imagining a life with him, wondering how I had been
so lucky to find someone so easily. Really, finding him was easy, and so was
falling in love with him. He made it that way.
The little things were really what
charmed me; the letters, notes, random texts and calls. I am just realizing
that I still have his voicemails saved. I should go back and erase them, but I
don't have it in me to hear his voice from when he cared for me.
He told me that I could get almost any
guy I wanted, but he doesn't know everything I worked for with past guys, and
the disappointments there. Being with him felt so right, like it was
meant to be that we were both early to class that fateful Thursday he
asked me to walk to the temple, thus acquiring the nickname
"Temple Boy" from my friends.
Last Sunday, he asked if we could talk.
Yes, my heart dropped when he said that, but what was I to do? Refuse to talk?
I didn't know what was going to happen, but I tried to put on a brave face. My
family seemed to know it was coming when I told them he was coming to talk.
They didn't blink when I refused to eat dinner, knowing he was coming over.
I remember the first thing he said to
me was "you look nice", and then after we hugged, I asked him what
was up, wanting to get it over with. He said we should date other people. He
was so sure, and I was anything but. He basically said he couldn't pretend to
love me, and it wasn't fair to do that to me. After all this time, he didn't
love me? I don't believe love can be boiled down and condensed into one yes or
no question though. Love is not a yes or no, it is a concept. Love is an
action, and a thought, from the soul.
I remember the first time I thought I
might love him. I didn't really then, but I also didn't fully understand love.
It came gradually, as we dated longer. There was no "ah-ha" moment,
but rather a realization that he mattered more to me than anything. I
understood that being in love doesn't mean you're perfect, or always put the
other person first, but it does mean safety, acceptance, sacrifice, and
sweetness. At least that is a little bit about what I have learned so far.
But now it is over.
And I cried. A lot. And he held me, for
the last time, comforting me from the same pain he gave me. I still never
wanted him to let me go, through it all.
There was one thing that sobered me:
his tears. I have never seen a guy cry. It may seem odd, but really, they hide
it well. However, as he held me, and I cried, something, I'm not sure what,
must have triggered his tears too, and we both cried. It made me stop though,
because I can handle me crying, but his sadness is worse than my own.
Suddenly, I didn't matter; he did, and I had to make him happy again. I told
him everything was OK and that I would be fine (though not true ....
but I wasn't thinking about me).
But really, after all that, I am still
confused. He says he still loves me, but how can he? That is the whole reason
we broke up. He says he will give me the book of why he still likes me, when he
doesn't anymore. How can he finish it? Why on earth would he want to? Why do I
want to receive it when I know I won't be able to bear to read it?
Just like deleting his voicemails...
Why does he feel peace after throwing
away everything we built after almost five-and-a-half months?
I do not feel peace, but rather a void,
where a best friend was ripped away.
My head rests on his chest perfectly,
and my arms belong around his neck, feeling his breath on my ear; but
it can't be, and there is nothing I can do about it.
He promised to take me out to the Great
Salt Lake, for one last adventure. Does that make it one last date? One last
first date? Or does he mean for us to go as friends? Just like the voicemails,
and the book, I don't know how I'll handle it, but I can't not go.
My Fridays, which I told my boss I needed off to see my boyfriend, look
forever empty, even if I do go on dates.
I don't want to date other people. Everyone else I
see doesn't fit me right, not like him. I can't feel comfortable,
and accepted, like I did with him, the first instant we spoke.
Alex told
me to tell him about my next date. And that he'll be jealous of the girl he
doesn't care for, somehow. I don't understand. I do not want to know about the
next girl he asks out, and how she is so much better than me, prettier,
smarter, more interesting, and more captivating. It would crush me, when there
is nothing left.
Now I have to end this post, because I
could probably write forever. But I will close with two songs. The first one is
how I think of Alex, and the other one is how I still feel, through all of
this.
I really would take him back, but if he needs some time, it is worth it to me to wait.
And I still love him.
